The message, "live like you're dying" can be found in song lyrics, poems, movies, and literature everywhere. But, how many of us actually give credence to the concept? Occasionally, in the face of tragedy, we stop and take stock of all we have been blessed with in this life and may even make the effort, for a while, to pay close attention to the simple joys in life. Then, it's back to life as usual, carrying on our normal routines.
What if you were told you only had a short time left in this world? What would you change? Recently, someone very dear to me, came face-to-face with how precious and fragile life really is. That experience has caused me to re-evaluate some things in my own life.
Since there are no guarantees of tomorrow, I have decided to shift my perception and to start making some changes in my own life. If I were to discover that my days here were numbered, there are quite a few things I'd begin doing differently. So, why wait? Why not make the changes now? If we all stopped to figure out what is truly important in our lives and focus on the areas we value most, imagine how much richer life would be.
Don't wait until you have no choice. Make the commitment to begin living every day as if there were no more tomorrows. Start small at first, then build up to the significant changes. Or, make the major changes first, then work on the little things. Whichever direction you choose, don't stop. We can't change our past. We have no promises of a future. We can change today! Catch up with an old friend. Thank someone you often take for granted, for their time and effort. Hug someone special. Start a journal of stories you want to share with your friends or family. Take more photos and print them. Reach out to someone who is having a rough day. Return emails and phone calls. Don't use "maybe". Take 10 minutes to be alone and think kind thoughts about yourself. Ask for what you need. Give what you can.
And most importantly, Love with all your heart, even when you're afraid of being hurt.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Betrayal and Forgiveness
Most of us are familiar with the common definition of betrayal. A close friend betrays us by sharing information shared in confidence. A significant other betrays us by stepping out of the relationship and becoming intimate with someone else. A sibling betrays us by telling a parent about an indiscretion after promising to keep quiet.
But there's another kind of betrayal that strikes so swiftly and deeply we may feel we will never recover. I'm referring to the betrayal of a loved one who commits a hideous wrong against one of your own. The pain can be so intense that it shakes the very foundation on which our faith in humankind was built. When someone we love viciously harms another of our loved ones the effects can be devastating.
How do we reconcile this kind of betrayal? We can choose our friends. We can choose our partners. We can choose our actions so we deny others the power to betray us by revealing information about us. We cannot choose our families or their behavior.
I have discovered, through painful reflection, that the answer is simple and complicated all in one. The answer? Forgiveness. I don't mean forgetting the wrong that has been done or excusing it. It's deeper than that. True forgiveness is a personal choice and a remarkable gift.
First, accept the situation as reality and a part of the past. It cannot be undone. Acknowledge your feelings about the situation. Are you angry, hurt, disappointed, saddened, all of the above? By acknowledging the feelings, you give them freedom to be released from your heart so they cannot hang around to burden you.
Second, accept that you have zero control over the behavior of others. You may have the ability to influence certain people in your life, but the only person you can control is yourself. Once you accept this, you can release any self-blame or guilt you carry as a result of someone else's choices. If you feel there is something more you could have done, use that for future reference, but stop beating yourself up for the past. You can't go back.
Finally, practice the act of forgiveness everyday. Start by forgiving yourself when you make a mistake. Humans, by default, will make mistakes. These are learning opportunities, not failures. Once you feel you've mastered forgiving yourself, extend this skill toward others. Forgive small at first, until you feel comfortable. Then, forgive those who have committed the seemingly unforgivable acts. Its sounds easy, right? Believe it or not, it can be. But it will take some practice.
Here are a few suggestions for ways to practice forgiveness:
"I accept my mistake. I understand how I can approach similar situations differently in the future. I forgive myself for what I've done."
"I accept that you made a mistake, that you are human and therefore fallible, and I forgive you."
"I don't understand why you made the choice you did, but it's not my job to judge you, and I forgive your mistake."
"Your action/s caused pain to someone I love. While I accept this as unchangeable, I choose to forgive your behavior and release this burden I'm carrying."'
Genuine forgiveness is for the giver, not the receiver. You may find yourself in a situation where the receiver is not available or you are not comfortable or safe addressing the person directly. That's okay. You can forgive someone in your heart without ever coming face to face with that person. The key is to let go of the anger, bitterness, and pain that can only be released through honest forgiveness.
As difficult as it may be in the beginning, forgiveness can become a useful and powerful tool in your personal toolbox. You can't undo the wrong, but you can release the heavy chains of fear and resentment you're carrying around. To forgive is to heal. Without it, the wound only festers and becomes toxic to your soul.
But there's another kind of betrayal that strikes so swiftly and deeply we may feel we will never recover. I'm referring to the betrayal of a loved one who commits a hideous wrong against one of your own. The pain can be so intense that it shakes the very foundation on which our faith in humankind was built. When someone we love viciously harms another of our loved ones the effects can be devastating.
How do we reconcile this kind of betrayal? We can choose our friends. We can choose our partners. We can choose our actions so we deny others the power to betray us by revealing information about us. We cannot choose our families or their behavior.
I have discovered, through painful reflection, that the answer is simple and complicated all in one. The answer? Forgiveness. I don't mean forgetting the wrong that has been done or excusing it. It's deeper than that. True forgiveness is a personal choice and a remarkable gift.
First, accept the situation as reality and a part of the past. It cannot be undone. Acknowledge your feelings about the situation. Are you angry, hurt, disappointed, saddened, all of the above? By acknowledging the feelings, you give them freedom to be released from your heart so they cannot hang around to burden you.
Second, accept that you have zero control over the behavior of others. You may have the ability to influence certain people in your life, but the only person you can control is yourself. Once you accept this, you can release any self-blame or guilt you carry as a result of someone else's choices. If you feel there is something more you could have done, use that for future reference, but stop beating yourself up for the past. You can't go back.
Finally, practice the act of forgiveness everyday. Start by forgiving yourself when you make a mistake. Humans, by default, will make mistakes. These are learning opportunities, not failures. Once you feel you've mastered forgiving yourself, extend this skill toward others. Forgive small at first, until you feel comfortable. Then, forgive those who have committed the seemingly unforgivable acts. Its sounds easy, right? Believe it or not, it can be. But it will take some practice.
Here are a few suggestions for ways to practice forgiveness:
"I accept my mistake. I understand how I can approach similar situations differently in the future. I forgive myself for what I've done."
"I accept that you made a mistake, that you are human and therefore fallible, and I forgive you."
"I don't understand why you made the choice you did, but it's not my job to judge you, and I forgive your mistake."
"Your action/s caused pain to someone I love. While I accept this as unchangeable, I choose to forgive your behavior and release this burden I'm carrying."'
Genuine forgiveness is for the giver, not the receiver. You may find yourself in a situation where the receiver is not available or you are not comfortable or safe addressing the person directly. That's okay. You can forgive someone in your heart without ever coming face to face with that person. The key is to let go of the anger, bitterness, and pain that can only be released through honest forgiveness.
As difficult as it may be in the beginning, forgiveness can become a useful and powerful tool in your personal toolbox. You can't undo the wrong, but you can release the heavy chains of fear and resentment you're carrying around. To forgive is to heal. Without it, the wound only festers and becomes toxic to your soul.
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