Betrayal and Forgiveness

  Most of us are familiar with the common definition of betrayal. A close friend betrays us by sharing information shared in confidence. A significant other betrays us by stepping out of the relationship and becoming intimate with someone else. A sibling betrays us by telling a parent about an indiscretion after promising to keep quiet.
  But there's another kind of betrayal that strikes so swiftly and deeply we may feel we will never recover. I'm referring to the betrayal of a loved one who commits a hideous wrong against one of your own. The pain can be so intense that it shakes the very foundation on which our faith in humankind was built. When someone we love viciously harms another of our loved ones the effects can be devastating.
  How do we reconcile this kind of betrayal? We can choose our friends. We can choose our partners. We can choose our actions so we deny others the power to betray us by revealing information about us. We cannot choose our families or their behavior.
  I have discovered, through painful reflection, that the answer is simple and complicated all in one. The answer? Forgiveness. I don't mean forgetting the wrong that has been done or excusing it. It's deeper than that. True forgiveness is a personal choice and a remarkable gift.
  First, accept the situation as reality and a part of the past. It cannot be undone. Acknowledge your feelings about the situation. Are you angry, hurt, disappointed, saddened, all of the above? By acknowledging the feelings, you give them freedom to be released from your heart so they cannot hang around to burden you.
  Second, accept that you have zero control over the behavior of others. You may have the ability to influence certain people in your life, but the only person you can control is yourself. Once you accept this, you can release any self-blame or guilt you carry as a result of someone else's choices. If you feel there is something more you could have done, use that for future reference, but stop beating yourself up for the past. You can't go back.
  Finally, practice the act of forgiveness everyday. Start by forgiving yourself when you make a mistake. Humans, by default, will make mistakes. These are learning opportunities, not failures. Once you feel you've mastered forgiving yourself, extend this skill toward others. Forgive small at first, until you feel comfortable. Then, forgive those who have committed the seemingly unforgivable acts. Its sounds easy, right? Believe it or not, it can be. But it will take some practice.
  Here are a few suggestions for ways to practice forgiveness:
       "I accept my mistake. I understand how I can approach similar situations differently in the future. I forgive myself for what I've done."
      "I accept that you made a mistake, that you are human and therefore fallible, and I forgive you."
      "I don't understand why you made the choice you did, but it's not my job to judge you, and I forgive your mistake."
      "Your action/s caused pain to someone I love. While I accept this as unchangeable, I choose to forgive your behavior and release this burden I'm carrying."'
  Genuine forgiveness is for the giver, not the receiver. You may find yourself in a situation where the receiver is not available or you are not comfortable or safe addressing the person directly. That's okay. You can forgive someone in your heart without ever coming face to face with that person. The key is to let go of the anger, bitterness, and pain that can only be released through honest forgiveness.
  As difficult as it may be in the beginning, forgiveness can become a useful and powerful tool in your personal toolbox. You can't undo the wrong, but you can release the heavy chains of fear and resentment you're carrying around. To forgive is to heal. Without it, the wound only festers and becomes toxic to your soul.